When a crisis begins in the family, many couples think about stopping relationships. How to make such a serious and radical decision? How to understand that there is definitely nothing to fix? What is worth asking yourself before filed for divorce?
When marriage, few people think that he will become so unhappy in relations that he will seriously think about divorce. Most believe that their union will fall into the number of those that last forever. But family life is often filled with the difficulties and problems that we find ourselves are not ready.
And it does not always manage to cope. Someone finds the opportunity to solve complex issues and move together. Others are tied in quarrels and misunderstanding and do not see any other way, except to submit to the divorce.
They seem to hope that there is a certain checklist, filling out which they can make the right decision. Many people ask to decide if there is hope to save the relationship or should not be tormented. Divorce is only your decision, and no one else should take it for you. Unless you are in danger of physical danger in relationships, it is better to take a small pause and answer nine questions for yourself.
1. I need a divorce or other relations with my spouse?
There is a difference between an unlucky marriage and a marriage that cannot be saved. Families often come to family therapists who have encountered problems and do not know how to solve them. If you want to change relationships and be further along with this person, you should try other methods. Divorce – the last and radical step.
2. Whether they turned for help or whether they tried to cope themselves?
Family therapy does not always help. If you go to a specialist, but do not see progress, this does not mean that it’s time to give up. If you believe that a marriage is worth fighting, find another therapist. Perhaps his methods are suitable for you better. The main thing, do not let the therapist say that marriage cannot be saved.
At the same time, do not forget that the therapist cannot magically fix everything magically. He cannot “fix” a partner. Changes and development will require a lot of voluntary efforts from both. If two loving people want to be together, they will be able to find strength in themselves to cope with problems.
3. Have there have been serious stress recently?
Serious difficulties arise in any relationship. Sometimes they overshadow everything else. The most frequent and difficult stress includes financial problems, loss of work, child loss or infertility. In these sad cases, the probability of a divorce grows at times.
Relations as a building. A small earthquake will cause a slight trembling, but an earthquake of 9 points will destroy even the strongest house. If you live in a state of severe stress, each little trouble will seem huge and irresistible.
Before serving for divorce, try to find help and deal with the difficulties that poison life. It is difficult to cope with big problems alone, especially if you are surrounded by sorrow or a sense of loss.
4. Do I admit my guilt?
Nobody’s perfect. It doesn’t matter what the problem is. No matter how the partner behaves. Two always participate in the relationship, and two also affect the relationship. Perhaps we criticize, underestimate, do not keep promises, silence problems, do not want to talk about our feelings.
This means taking responsibility for your actions and reactions. Like your partner is responsible for his. Understanding your “contribution” to the problem, you can see the ways of solutions that can change family life for the better.
5. This was originally a mistake, or we just stopped doing?
I often see couples whose relationships have not been set from the very beginning. This does not mean that the spouses have quarreled from the first days. They were not ready to marry. For example, they got married too quickly, not understanding why they needed it and what a person is next to them. Got married due to an unplanned pregnancy. Or they were “brought” by relatives.
If your marriage falls under this description and you decide to divorce, draw conclusions for yourself for the future so as not to repeat the previous mistakes. If your marriage was based on long, strong and trusting relationships and now you are faced with problems, you may need to work on the skills of relations, and it’s not a “wrong” choice of a partner.
6. If I am divorced because of problems with sex, then did I try to rectify the situation?
Sexual problems can be solved by ourselves or using therapy. There are no such compatible couples where both spouses would always like the same at the same moments of time. And there are no such couples who have every sex like in a beautiful romantic movie. People often give up, instead of talking, showing flexibility, understanding and generosity in relation to each other.
Try to discuss what you like and what causes anxiety or unpleasant emotions. Tell each other what you would like. Be open and honest, calmly and tactfully listen to your partner. Instead of complaints and criticism, offer options. Before you get divorced due to “bad” sex, why not try to turn it into a good?
7. Are
my expectations from marriage and spouse?
I do not suggest you put up with humiliating appeal or cruelty. But I propose to think about how adequate this expectation is: the spouse (A), who (Aya) simultaneously supports the atmosphere of stability and romance, builds a breathtaking career, earns a lot of money, loves to vacuum and iron, can fix the current faucet and hang the door, prepare lunch of fivedishes and keep two children under the armpits.
8. Is there someone third?
If we are talking about one-time betrayal, constant flirting, online dating or a serious relationship “on the side”, it can be very difficult to understand how and where to move on.