It seems to many of us: behind the threshold of the office, another life awaits-the one in which we will be truly happy, and it is worth freeing ourselves from corporate shackles, as we will immediately begin to rejoice at every day. But is it? And what price are you ready to pay for the desired freedom? The experience is shared by the blogger Ksenia Pistsova. Its text is useful to those who have already taken a step into the unknown, and those who are just going.
Three years ago I did what I had long dreamed of, but I could not decide: after ten years I escaped from the office. Having freed off the pressing obligations and tasks, I hoped to live for my pleasure. But how to do what you like if the usual algorithm is violence against yourself? The internal censor does not abandon, demanding a result. Want without coercion, try new or do nothing, as on good vacation, does not work.
And how it turns out? Hopeless morning of the first months: you wake up – and do not go to work. I don’t want to sleep, as luck would have it, and it is not clear what to do. It doesn’t look like a day off when you rightly enjoy freedom, because you know: Monday will come.
Here is another – you don’t need. There are no annoying SMS and calls, people who are constantly required. And it seems that you do not exist outside the working function. Most frightened that I myself did not know what I wanted. No, not like that: I was deadly tired and did not want anything. It was hard to even think about something new.
I remember how I saw an article about apathy on the Internet. The hero was 16 years old, he did not get out of the apartment, played computer games, ate dumplings with mayonnaise. At heart, she envied: she would have pleasure at home and relaxed – but you can’t do it. It is necessary to urgently solve something.
The topic of money was strained. There was a reserve, but for a long time? How to calculate the necessary amount if I have not thought about money lately? The word “saving” caused fierce frustration. I crushed myself, demanded a result-at least some. Desperately tried to return to the past, grabbed onto any options, went on interviews and internally resisted. The situation did not change.
The old world was defeated, but there was no new. On the one hand, it took time to calm down, get used to new conditions, look around. On the other hand, it was impossible to
wait, it seemed, another second – and life will fly to Tartarara.
Instead of the long -awaited lightness – an explosive mixture of despair, anxiety, shame. Doubts and disappointment overshadowed the horizon. In what happened, I blamed myself: I could sit in a soft chair.
The fight with yourself
After two years of rest, communicating with a psychologist and new hobbies, I realized the essence of the problem: the work from the very beginning was associated with torture. I did too much against the will, I didn’t think about the meaning, but from the fourth year of the institute I regularly went to the office.
A pressing sensation, similar to fear, grew up in me: you have to get a job faster, get married, create a family, otherwise it will be too late and life will be in vain. The desire simply did not have time to form.
I recall the first working days with disgust: an advertising agency, a dusty kamor in Nikitsky Lane. “Cold calls”, trembling, when they remove the phone on the other end. I am terribly afraid of the reaction of the interlocutors, I resist internally and meditate for hours, looking at the contact base, a mighty pile of sheets A4.
And then – ten years of desperate struggle. Ambitions, ideals, the desire to prove that I am strong, capable of a lot. Young man who has inspired: a woman is obliged to work. Good position, material comfort, approved habits. And to the pain of a familiar decoration – self -doubt, hands shaking with fear and the eternal question “Is I good enough?”.